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My Innocence Lost

I wandered off in a daze, found myself out on deck again and sat down a little heavily on one of the seats.

My head was thudding and I felt sick.  Last night had been an unmitigated disaster. We’d sailed from Southampton nearly three weeks ago and as we’d been boarding, with all the excitement, my mother had suddenly felt unwell and while several of the crew rallied round to help, a kind late middle aged American couple offered their assistance and ever since that first day, together with mother we’ve spent nearly every evening in their company having dinner with them.

It had turned out the American couple weren’t husband and wife after all, but brother and sister, Robert and Eleanor Robbins from New York. Last night I’d felt even lower than normal and at dinner not having touched a drop of alcohol for weeks in an effort to alleviate my depression I knocked it back as if it was going out of fashion.

After mother and Eleanor had retired to bed Robert and I ended up in the bar and in the small hours after several cocktails we went up on deck for some fresh air and under the moonlight as I’d shivered in the cold, he’d put his arm around me and as I’d turned towards him, he’d kissed me and I’d kissed him back.

“I want to have sex with you Laura.” And I nodded, I bloody agreed to allow him take the greatest virtue I had, my virginity, just like that, something I’d been saving for when I married Mark in a few weeks.

One thing led to another and as we wandered off, ended up in his cabin. As he turned to kiss me, again and again I kissed him back and the inevitable happened. We had sex, rampant sex and my innocence was lost forever.

Waking up well after three in the morning, stark naked, with a blinding headache, with a naked man who still had his legs wrapped uncomfortably around me, a man whom at that moment I didn’t recognize in a cabin I also didn’t recognize, it took me several difficult minutes before I could get my thoughts together and gather my senses but as the slowly came back I began piecing it together, both of us, naked, his body as it had been, wrapped around me, his limp penis not far from me. We must have….Shit.

I felt between my legs – an unmistakeable tell tale wet stickiness greeted my fingers, I took such a sharp intake of breath as I remembered it all – not only had I had rampant sex with him,  insatiably, like a woman on heat, I’d wanted more and making him excited enough he took me a second time. I still had the taste of him in my mouth and all unprotected sex at that. Shit, I must have been so drunk.

With him snoring I gathered up my things and staggered off half naked to my own cabin, getting some strange looks from a couple on my way, when eventually I found the right cabin and I’d fumbled for the key and got through the door, the cabin was spinning. I fell on the bed, cursing myself for my stupidity, mortified at what I’d done, vowing never to touch a drop of alcohol again.

Then I’d realised there was another erroneous part to this catastrophe which was going to make things even more difficult, because without a doubt I was going to have a hard time fending off further advances from Robert.

My defenses weakened by drink, after I’d surrendered to his advances and let my drawbridge down, he’d marched right on in and I’d wanted him take advantage. Now that he’d sampled what lay behind it how was I going to close that door ? Undoubtedly he was a nice enough guy, but – that was all. He did nothing for her, he wasn’t my type, he never could be.

For goodness sake he was nearly thirty years older than me. What had I been doing and now we’d be seeing one another for the rest of the cruise – he’d be so disappointed when I refuses to let him have sex with me again, but I had to remain resolute and not let what happened last night happen again under any circumstances. Perhaps I’d  hide in my cabin until we arrived home, saying I was unwell? What a ruddy mess. Finally thinking about Mark, I cried myself to sleep a little after 5am, and how I wished that he could be here with me.  (To be continued)

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